9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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