Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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