Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We're not piercing ourselves today.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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