this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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