Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
