Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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