forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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