I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
