corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
