saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
