Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
