i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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