For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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