Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
