when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
