Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
