On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just want nice things and good sex
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
