Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
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You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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