its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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