Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
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Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
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It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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