Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
