Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
