Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
