someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
