Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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