When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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