now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
