I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
