Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
