I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
