remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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