Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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