he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
