Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
