I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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