weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't deserve a penis
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
