My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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