pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
