Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
