so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
