Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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