you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
