so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
