Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
