Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
