Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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