I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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