Pappa wants mamma naked
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
