There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
