Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
