do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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