2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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