If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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